Relationship, Is It Needed or Not?
Senin, April 09, 2018
Hello!
I’m back!
After
so fcking long time since the very last post I posted. And here I am not
bringing a good news but my gloominess and my confusion.
Last
two weeks, I was trapped in the dark clouds because I was not busy and I’m not
busy now. I just resigned from my freelance job as an Indonesian tutor and it’s
already a month ago. I have nothing to do, oh… actually I have! So many! But I
mean, I’m having different rhythm of my life. I don’t have many classes to
attend at university now. I only need to go to my Polish course, but lately I’m
not moved to go there, I don’t really think it’s important to me, but it will
end so soon and I should take a final exam, unless all I do in this course is
fcking meaningless and useless. My leadership
program is already ended more than a month ago. And yea… here I am with so many
spare times that I don’t really maximize but I spend it with contact several of
my friends who are men and I think about em or wait em to reply my text. It
probably sounds sad and pity. Yea, I know, but it’s the reality.
And…
several days ago, one of my friend, literally friend and actually a friend from
my elementary school, replied my text, a very long text, after about a week he
ignored it. He made clear what was happening between him and I by saying he can’t
continue this chat because he thinks I have something to him and I expect to
have relationship to him. He also said that he is not good and worth enough to
have someone like me who is too mature, too smart, and too pretty. Oh yeah,
actually this one is my favorite line of his dramatic reply to me. Hihi. And he
is tired to start a serious relationship since the beginning.
To
be honest, I started a conversation with him randomly. Literally randomly! I didn’t
have any intention to build a relationship with him. Why? Because I do really
think he is my friend! Oh gosh! And I’m the one who really think friend and
boyfriend are different things and I can’t mash them up! But in the process, I
was shaken. I was confused about our convo. “Is this a joke? Or is it real?” I
thought. Those were blur, for me. I didn’t know and I wasn’t sensitive enough to
differentiate them all.
And
after that event… I thought so hard about myself and my will to open myself for
man. I don’t really mean to start any relationship with anyone because I’m not
ready yet for it. I’m coward for something called as commitment. And I usually
feel burden when I hear ‘relationship’ term.
I was questioning myself,
“Do
I really need this? Should I do this? Is it really important to me? Is it one
of my priorities now?”
“Is
there anything wrong with me? What do I do until they think that way? Do I
annoy them? Do I disturb them? Am I too obvious until they think I want to
build a relationship with them? Am I too direct? Am I too boring?”
“What’s
I’m looking for from this? What will I get from this? Will it fulfill me? Will it
give me satisfication?”
But
my friends said… just now, tonight, they said… the problem is you are not
confident enough. Tho, you are pretty enough, you are smart. But… you are not
sensitive enough to differentiate which one who interest to you to have a
relationship and which one who just wanna be a friend with you. And they support
me to open up myself for men, open up doesn’t mean I should build a
relationship, but just open to have any relation with a man, maybe… to be a
friend or best friend, as what I am doing now with one of my friend, I wanna be his buddy.
I
should be familiar to have close relation with men because it will determine my
future. They said, I’m 21 years old and I’m still young to do many things, even
to experience many trial and errors. And it’s okay! Also to widening my network
here and there.
Actually,
about trial and errors is about rejection for me.
Before
a story I told you here, I had another one which just happen, also in less than
a month ago, when my friends had graduation ceremony. I got another rejection
from someone who already rejected me two years ago. And this time his rejection
was so clear and bold. But I was okay after that, after I asked him to take
picture together with me and gave him a white rose. I only experienced disappointment
for several minutes because his gesture was totally rejected me and was not
open to me and sent a message to me that I disturbed him. But! Later I was
okay! Because… what was important to me is not him but my goals which I should
take a picture with him and who ask him to do so is me.
I
was okay for several days after that graduation ceremony but being worse after
I know a story of him, how he feels to me and what his comment about what I do
to him is. I know this from one of my friend who is his neighbor and they both
were getting closer after I told her about my feeling to him, my senior, two
years upper than me. I got to know that he hates me that fcking much until he
asks his family members, elder sister, younger brother, even mom! to block me
from all their social medias. Yea… I search and follow his family members
social media like facebook or twitter or instagram or path. But I only follow
them, I never disturb them at all. I never write comment on their post. What I
do is only give my like or love to their posts. That’s all! And I don’t
understand why the hell is he overreact to me?!
Also,
he keeps opens up old sore points where I cried dramatically, like in the drama
for something not really worth to cry, because he put his hand on my friend’s
shoulder. And he blames me for this. Because when I cried there was one of his friends
in the toilet, yea, I run to toilet just for crying, and probably started from
it, his friends tease him by asking him what did he do to me until I cried. He can’t
accept it, I know. But I had no any intention to cry him on, first. And I had
no intention to make him threaten by his friends that way! I also can’t accept
his blaming to me. Oh yea… I already forgot it since my first rejection from
him! How on earth he keeps talking about it?! Is he okay? Why do he acts like a
girl in my eyes because of this?! HAH!
After
this moment… I, again, bombarded my head with a bucket of questions. Like,
“What
do I do until he feels that way? What makes him hate me that much? Do I disturb
him too much? Do I annoy him too much? Which side of his life I break up until he
doesn’t like me that much?”
“Oh!!!
I do nothing to him and his family! Why the hell he hates me?! Why does he
blame me?! Why doesn’t he blame his friends?”
And
I became hate him after this. And I lost my respect to him. And I felt like
wanna scream in front of his face. UH!
Those
experiences that make me think and questioning myself too much, about
relationship and about my appropriateness to be loved as a woman, as a girlfriend
until I be someone else, until I do my own research about how men look a woman
and what’s their ideal type and I wanna be like what the want not what I want.
Seems
like, I’m having identity crisis now. HAHAHA!
0 komentar