My headache is back, again, after I could handle it this early night but it backed because I’m getting annoyed because another silent I have now between me and my Mile 22 guy.
This post, again, will be about me and this guy but this time not about a movie we watched together or my desperation of him. No, not! It’s about what I learnt today and he helped me to make me able to do that. Thank you!
Do you ever hear a proverb or a quote that says,
“Apologise to the other is not because you are right or he is wrong. Apologise is not to satisfy the other but for you. It will help you to let yourself in peace.”?
Exactly! What I did this early night was, apologised, to him for something that I think I did it wrong. Where, I didn’t apologise for him and his satisfaction of me, not because I was right neither he was right, it was because I needed to relieve my emotion of annoyance, anger and vexation. As someone who gets angry super-duper-easily, I usually get a headache every time I’m angry but I hold it back because I don’t want to be a seriously-childish-girl nor be a spotlight. I’m still practising to handle my emotion and its explosion. Easy? Nah! My head always feels like there are tons of burdens on it. Too much pressure that I can’t handle but I should. I should manage my anger.
It was not a serious problem, just the simple one, but we both, maybe, made it be a little bit complicated because we chose to not say anything each other and not ask each other about the silence existed between us. I’m not sure where did it start but we didn’t have many convos today. I don’t know, was it because I was busy with my businesses and many things I should handle in the short time or yha… because of him who always focus on his phone and busy with it even there are many people are around him?
What I realised is… I chose to not saying anything to him since we were in the train to go to a place where we should submit our bank account numbers for the Asian Para Games 2018 administration. Why? Because I had no idea about what should I say, how should I start the convo and I didn’t have any interest to start it. Why? Because it was not the first time I did it, I mean, the first time, I should start the convo while he is busy with his phone or he is ignoring me. Nope! Once is more than enough for me, I don’t think I should do it anymore because I ever told him about these matters and I didn’t tell him only once, more than that! You wanna say I’m effortless? Whatever! I did my best to make him aware of it but he hasn’t been aware yet, what should I do? I’m not in power to make him be, it’s him, it's his choice. I can’t force him.
We separated because should took online transportation to reach that place from the station and unfortunately, I arrived later than him but I waited for him at the main gate because I didn’t know and he didn’t ask me anything, did I arrive? or something sounds like that. In the end, I called him. And you know what? He arrived earlier and submitted his number account already without saying anything to me. Claps!!! How on earth you didn’t get annoyed if you were me? Huh?
I submitted mine, alone and backed to him and asked him where we would go after this. He answered, dunno, wherever you want. Huh! My anger and annoyance rose to another level. I took a deep breath but kept trying to smile even my head was boiling. I suggested going to the mosque for prayer and he said yea then we went there. I walked several steps ahead of him because he was still busy with his phone and I couldn’t handle it. I just took my paces and didn’t look back at him. I didn’t care. I just wanted to pray even if I should go back alone after it, it wouldn’t be a problem even it would be better for me. I did really want to back home alone and left him alone there without a word but I couldn’t. I was logic enough to value him as someone who offered himself to accompany me to sign up a new bank account and submit the document together at that place.
Get the point? Yea. He was the one initiative to accompany me even I didn’t ask to because what I knew, he would go to an amusement park with his friends today and he didn’t ask me to go out together with. So, I didn’t want to bother him. That’s all!
But even at the end, we didn’t talk to each other and we didn’t try to. Our mood was not good. We were awkward to each other. Ouch! Wait! Did he feel the same or only me? I dunno. But we didn’t back home together, I dropped myself first and he would go somewhere to meet his friend but after I saw his update, I’m sure enough he didn’t. It was only an alibi he sold to me because he needed his me-time, as I did.
But you wanna know something more? I got more annoyed because of this because before we backed I’d asked him, was he hungry? Would he like to eat something together with me? But he ate udon, probably, alone somewhere nowhere. Huh! I know this part is seriously-not-really important and it’s so girly! Just ignore this part!
Then, here is the core of my and his day (?)
I’m a thinker and my head is fcking noisy. I will be noisier if I think about something really bother me as what happened to me and my Mile 22 guy. It bothered me because we don’t usually ignore each other, we usually have chat even it’s just a small-and-not-really important convo, he usually tells me every random thing to me he wants, but not today.
I had my late lunch in the McD near his house. HM. Tried to enjoy the meal and be conscious of what I was facing at that time. I got supply, I got energy, my mood turned better, and I was being more logic and not emotional. I questioned myself; Did I do wrong or not? Was it proper or not? Was I responsible for this condition or not? Was I the one who started this? Did I make him ignored myself? There were too many questions popped up at the same time.
Then, I realized, I couldn’t be like that any longer; remained silent, waited for him to ask me first, kept blaming him because of his silence and his fast pace that I never able to catch up. I know this, I shouldn’t be a forever victim, I should be responsible. I took a part in this condition. I contributed to it. What I do influence him and what he does influence me. He is my result, so am I, I’m his result, consider or not consider.
Congratulation to him who able to make me say sorry and realise many things about myself I should improve. I know, my silence is a part of my childishness and my ego but I’m no longer a child, no longer a teenager, I’m 22, just graduated from university even I’m jobless, you can say I’m a young adult now. I have to be responsible for every single thing I do in my life. There I was, typed a quite long chat to say sorry to him because my effortlessness to make up the condition be better and more comfortable for us.
Happy me, after that, after I sent that chat to him, I was no longer angry, I was no longer annoyed. I turned to be okay. Besides how he responded to it, how he replied to me, it’s his business. I finished my job to do what should I do. As my dad said,
“It’s the consequence to be hated by the others because you remind them. It’s okay, the most important you keep doing good and be the good one. Either they want to listen and to do what you say to them, it’s their business. Same as, if they don’t respond you well. Don’t mind it! Just be yourself and keep doing good. God knows what you do.”
